Meet the Marlins!
It’s been a while since Rockin’ Redlegs has talked smack about an opponent of the Reds. We used to do it all the time when we were first born, and I kind of miss it. Aside from the fact that it’s rude, doesn’t demonstrate good sportsmanship, and will inevitably be negatively received by people on the internet, I have a lot of fun when I pick on other teams, so here goes: Meet the Miami Marlins! (Most of this is not true.)
Giancarlo Stanton, RF
Bats: Right Throws: Right
Giancarlo Stanton is a 23 year old outfielder who made his big league debut in 2010. Currently on the 15-day DL with a case of identity crisis, Stanton was known as “Mike” until the 2012 season when he decided that he’d rather go by Giancarlo because it made him sound more exotic and mysterious. Speaking of exotic and mysterious, Stanton’s hobbies include tending to small macaques and breakdancing. He is also writing a memoir titled Macaques and Me: A Love Like No Other.
Miguel Olivo, C
Bats: Right Throws: Right
Born in the Dominican Republic in 1978 to Sevillano and Kalamata Olivo, Miguel is the first Olivo-born player in the Major Leagues, and ended up in Miami after the Reds decided that they’d rather have one of Stanton’s macaques as a catcher than this guy. When not playing baseball, you can find Olivo hanging out at the grocery store, typically near the Mediterranean Bar, but sometimes in the baking aisle with the other cooking oils.
Greg Dobbs, 1B
Bats: Left Throws: Right
Greg Dobbs signed with the Marlins in 2011, and immediately became the most-hated guy on the team. He constantly makes rude and offensive remarks (often sexual in nature) about the other players’ moms, and his .135 BA for May doesn’t help his case. In the night, other Marlins players meet in the dugout to plot to get rid of Dobbs, but their efforts are usually thwarted because Dobbs is found lurking near the dugout babbling about The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Placido Polanco, 3B
Bats: Right Throws: Right
Placido Polanco is not only the oldest player in the Marlins organization – he is also the baldest. During the offseason, Polanco likes to spend his time driving slowly, feeding ducks at the pond, and playing bingo. He is the second-highest paid player on the team, and he spends most of his salary on reading glasses and accessories for his Hoveround. Albert Pujols is godfather to Polanco’s son, Ishmael, and that is not made up.
Derek Dietrich, 2B
Bats: Left Throws: Right
This creepy-looking rookie was called up to the Majors this season, and is receiving a lot of attention for…um….wait, who is this guy? According to his Wikipedia page, he was called up last week and has been starting since Donovan Solano and Chris Valaika sustained injuries during a pillow fight. We can only assume that Dietrich still lives with his mom, and until last week, spent most of his days playing MLB 10: The Show on his Playstation while maintaining a steady diet of Cheetos and Dr. Pepper.
Adeiny Hechavarria, SS
Bats: Right Throws: Right
Adeiny Hechavarria is 24 years old and defected from Cuba in 2009. (Real original, Adeiny.) He came over to the Marlins in the trade for Jose Reyes and others, and presumably has never kissed a girl (or a dude, I don’t know his life). He is listed on the roster as 5’11”, but everyone knows that in baseball, 5’11” is code for 4’9″. His interests include making dolls out of sticks and brewing bathtub gin. He has been quoted saying that his hero is Walter White.
Justin Ruggiano, CF
Bats: Right Throws: Right
Justin Ruggiano is one of the players with the highest seniority for the Miami Marlins – he has played for the team since 2012 – wow! What a career! Prior to playing in Miami, he played for the Astros, the Rays, and the Dodgers. He has been spotted multiple times wearing his jersey to the local mall and asking people if they would like an autograph for the low, low price of $15. While most civilians approached by Ruggiano flee in terror, he makes a pretty decent second income with these autograph signings. He stated on his 2012 taxes that he made $105 from his side business.
Juan Pierre, LF
Bats: Left Throws: Left
Juan Pierre, known to his friends as Juan D’Vaughn, is in his first year with the Miami Marlins (isn’t everybody?) and has made quite a name for himself with his 603 career stolen bases. Bases aren’t the only thing he’s been known to steal, however, and has been caught by his teammates stealing bizarre trinkets from their lockers. He’s not all bad though – in his free time, he dresses up as a clown and hangs out at a local park. He is sometimes spotted trying to offer candy to children – how sweet!
Ricky Nolasco, P
Bats: Right Throws: Right
Ricky Nolasco is in his last year of his contract with the Marlins. He has played for the team since 2006, and has seen quite a few players come and go. He is known as the team prankster (just look at him!) and has come up with quite a few hilarious zingers for his fellow teammates. He is most notorious for putting laxative in the Gatorade cooler and covering the toilets in the clubhouse with saran wrap. Some of his other favorite practical jokes include sending love letters to his teammates’ wives, hiding everyone’s jockstraps in the backseat of his car, and the old hand-in-a-bowl-of-warm-water trick. LOL!
Thanks for letting me indulge in my weirdness for today. Tonight, the Reds will be facing the Marlins in Florida starting at 7:10. Here’s hoping Homer Bailey can put out a hell of an outing! Have a great day!
GO REDS!
Rockin' Redlegs 